another word for desperate

2007 has been a whirlwind of events and emotions leading to new beginnings and sometimes the end to what was so dear. sometimes? ok...maybe not sometimes because beginnings always brings most things to a definite end. right? ok well...needless to say, this year brought the unexpected. For instance:
-truth
-heartache (a lot)
-the lack of a "home"
-the loss of a best friend (both man's best friend and a real friend)
-a community of vulnerability crumbling with no effort to mend it
-a new "job"
-a bold move to San Diego
-40 if not more beautiful people brought into my life

so a lot has happened. many things that I had dreamed of happened...and of course at the same time things I had never imagined losing...I lost. Is it bad that I am so idealistic? I suppose. I haven't allowed much of these things that have happened this year to really affect me. Sure...I take the time to appreciate these events/things and I also take the time to struggle with these events/things. But...my heart hasn't totally expressed itself yet. I'm not sure when it will. When will I realize that the relationship I held most dear to my heart was devastated? A relationship that provided inspiration, motivation, and most of all love. I still don't understand most of the happenings and emotions that have gone on in the grand year of 2007. I don't understand where the hope is in the loss of a friend. I think it sucks...I think its rather shitty. I suppose I have preoccupied myself enough to not worry or reflect on certain situations...and I'll be the first to admit that my actions were not the healthiest for either party. I'm not sure where things ended and I'm not sure of the future. And that must be my hope...the future and knowing that love exists now and in the months and years to come. I'm sure it sounds lame to anybody reading...but there is no denial in love providing hope. And...let me explain the title of this blog. I'm not desperate. And...I'm not looking for a word synonmous with desperate. But...I'm...some word that can explain being completely content with life and its struggles but at the same time reflective and pissed off at how some things have turned out. I'm completely unaware what provoked this sudden explosion of words...I guess just a refreshing eventful night with new friends has led me to really dwell on what was back in Tennessee. I do appreciate the way God has allowed me to struggle and grow in the transition between seasons but I tell you what...life ain't easy.

common groud

it seems more and more difficult to find time to write...to write my thoughts...my feelings...my current situation and the dynamic happenings in this season of my life. i told you i would write...i told you i would express my heart more openly through the convenience of blogging. i haven't failed yet but i haven't been consistent...and i hate not being consistent. i feel the expectations of my life are weighing more heavily as i have approached "manhood." haven't i taken somewhat good care of myself since being on my own (and i use the phrase "being on my own" loosely). i haven't asked much of people if anything at all. i have pursued action b/c it has been laid on my heart...i refuse to sit by and allow a world to mute the voices of a people group. i'm not sure how to express this to some people. dual perspective doesn't really exist among two different generations. one generation is raised only to be concerned with oneself and one's family. another generation has been raised to think globally...maybe not on purpose but it happened. so how do the two generations meet on common ground? i'm not entirely sure i have figured this out yet...

...enlighten me.

la mesa

a lot has happened in the past week or so...
the roadies have moved into a new home in La Mesa,
a slightly more upscale area than Spring Valley
which is where we were (where we had to Evacuate from).
its a Blessing to be in a house with these people,
more importantly, a House that can accomadate 35 Roadies.
at the moment, i'm sitting Outside of Cosmo's Coffee Cafe
listening to Music.
yes...
San Diego has music.
its no Nashville,
but the {BLUEGRASS} band that played a few moments ago
allowed me to have a taste of Home...
it went something like this:

rocky top
You'll always Be
home sweet home
to me
Good Ole Rocky Top
rocky top Tennessee


it was pleasant
motivated me to Run inside
and flash my Tennessee license.
that song was enough
to Know
i Am exactly
where I am supposed

to Be.

california's burning

What is it about this life do I enjoy? The community...yea. The work...yea. But...having to pick up with all my stuff with about 20 other folks to escape a fire. Now that's an adventure. The area that I live and work in, Spring Valley, has been evacuated due to the southern (the Harris) fire...so we go a little north to stay with some IC staff which places us in the middle of the northern (the Witch Creek) and southern fires. 5% of the fires have been contained which I suppose is a lot better than yesterday's 0%...there is yet another possibilty of us having to evacuate the area of North Park that we are currently in. Not sure what's going to happen...but this process is building community. Even more than before I think.

Its just crazy to think that the office is in danger of being burnt down...everything that is the organization of IC is there. We have taken out the server so that we don't lose everything. But...what happens if something drastic were to happen? I guess, we will just need to play it by ear...and pray.

I love this life...always uncertain, always dangerous. Never safe...never comfortable.

a day in the life of just another guy

Still here...in San Diego. As a part of the Invisible Children family...

Yea...I'm in the middle. A picture of me w/ a mandolin. Thus everyone thinks I'm typical Nashville and that I can play some pretty narley jams.

Today was a crazy intense...relieving day. We spent most of our time in the warehouse for training but we had the opportunity to go to lunch with Jason Russell, one of the co-founders of IC. After lunch, we were supposed to come back for training for Inspiration which Jason was conducting. Instead, he inspired us outside of the confines of the IC building. We were taken to his old high school and then to his parent's home where most of the beginnings of IC took place. It was kinda surreal. I mean...yea...Jason is a regular joe...but a regular joe that made radical choices and chose to "jump first, and fear later." Before he showed us his room at his parents' house...he explained that his number one strength is "input" meaning he collects information and stores it. Then he opened the door to his room...


...and this was only a quarter of it. It was nuts!!! Inspiring nonetheless.

So...why are scavenger hunts such a popular idea among the training process? The Gallery Church...and now IC. As we were given the rules for today's scavenger hunt we were told NOT to use the name of Invisible Children while hunting. Why? Well b/c sneaking into SeaWorld w/o paying was involved in the list of finds. Did we sneak into SeaWorld you ask? Why, yes!!! 40 pts right there. And did our team still lose? yes...sad days. The other roadies are quite the experience. Quite the relief. Quite the community. My prayers for community were definitely answered and this is just the beginning. I'm sitting in our common room at the Shire with Tranica, Jared, Josh, Chris, and Andi. And...we are shooting rubberbands. Its thats simple. Community is that simple. We are here for one reason with one heart for one country...but the beautiful thing is that it doesn't end there. Our heart's expand beyond IC and beyond Uganda. These folks have hearts of compassion...to love for the sake of love. This is their REVO...

San Diego...or home.

I'm here.

After several months of uncertainty...certainty unveiled itself. This past Thursday I received a phone call from Invisible Children asking me to buy a plane ticket to San Diego...to fly in on the following Sunday. Yep...3 day notice. 3 days to conclude my time in Murfreesboro...3 days to say goodbye to everything that was comfortable and discovered. And, to greet San Diego into my life as a new chapter, a new season...a continued journey.

I'm a roadie for the 2008 Spring Tour...my location? So-Cal tour...including obviously Southern California and the southern most parts of Nevada (i.e. Las Vegas). And to our suprise...this year Hawaii is included. Yep...a school is flying the So-Cal team to Maui for 5 days to jump around from island to island. I'm not too sure I am supposed to know this tidbit of information yet...but it leaked. Thus far, I have only met one other guy on my team...his name is Ben, and he is from Cocoa Beach, Florida. He's currently on the So-Cal Tour promoting Schools for Schools program...that whole bunch of the roadies will be back in a week. So that means there will be a total of about 30 roadies living in one lovely home known as the Shire. Anyway...the other 2 folks on my team, the girls...will be here in January.

Today was my first day of training...it was an informational overload to say the least. Meeting all of the staff, learning about all the programs, learning of the history of Uganda (politically and pre-historical topics), discussing our intinerary, and of course having Jason Russell talk with us about IC. The week will continue with more and more information...then we will begin booking our tour. The job will begin...oh and um, I have an IC e-mail address...weird. jshults@invisiblechildren.com

I'm not wanting this experience to fly by...to be over within a wink of an eye. Instead, I want the experience to be embraced...I want to be present. I want to instill and experience community. And...I am confident that I will.

jesus @ tarboosh

Did you know that Jesus smokes hookah at Murfreesboro's own Mediterranean Cafe and Hookah Bar, Tarboosh?

Did you also know that He very much so dwells in the hearts and minds of the patrons of Tarboosh?

Young, college bound patrons...searching for hope and something to place their faith in.
Wrestling with the idea that maybe there is something in this world to believe in...in a very personal way.

Well...they are there, and so is He.

patience

ok ok...I get it. If I ask for patience...You'll give me great opportunities for patience. So, You don't so much give me the patience as much as You actually give me the situation to test my little patience. Allllright...I guess when its all said and done...yea, You supply the patience. But...man, does it feel like I'm lacking something.

The past two weeks have been a time of reflection...reflecting on the way things were, on life before the thought of graduation, on simplicity of friendships, on who Jesus could have been to me before this stage of my life. I am 23 years old, and yes to some people that is young...but in retrospect the things that I have been through, personally and in other friendshps, people twice my age never experience. I guess...I am just perplexed as to where I am going and what Jesus is trying to do with my life. And, I get it...I'm not supposed to understand or see the picture clearly...but that doesn't mean the desire to understand the workings of our Creator will just go away. I do understand, however, more than ever to just stop asking questions...not to stop asking God questions but stop questioning God himself. I've come to learn to accept the journey I've been given...in no way am I always happy with it. But...I get the fact that there is no sense in questioning God and consistently screaming "WHY?" But...though I understand not to do it...I still do. Creatures of habit, I suppose.

So...what am I getting at? I'm not quite sure...I just need to convey to people that God is consistently at work. In failure, in success, in patience, in eagerness, in the crappiest season of your life, and in the happiest...He's working. I guess, I don't feel like I am doing enough...b/c I'm not. As much as the world is trying to tell me that I am important and am getting things done...I'm still insignificant. Though I am insignificant...I desire to find the significance in purpose and design. So...here I am, still waiting. Still probably lacking some patience...

my mouth is dry with words i cannot verbalize

I have nothing spectacular to say necessarily...but I am just wanting to write something to explain my emotions or to at least verbalize them.

I'm typically a really impatient person...and it for sure showed tonight in downtown Nashville during the July 4th celebration as I was pushing my way through 100,000 patriotic...um...people. I'm just going to say people to be nice. Anyway...I'm ready to go and I'm ready to do...but it seems my envisionment of going and doing consists of me being...not here. I am anxiously awaiting to discover my whereabouts in a job opportunity. A job opportunity that I would be more than blessed to be given...a job opportunity that will change a lot of things. More than ever, I am actually trying to not get my hopes up...but I can't help to when I feel like I have been given such a peace about this opportunity. I guess...what I am saying...is that life is real. more than ever. By Friday...which is technically tomorrow...no more than the already submitted resumes can stand up to my credentials and experience. I'm becoming aware of the fact that this time next week I will have an idea of where I stand and whether or not I'll be invited for an interview. In person. So...I'm nervous, excited, contemplative, butterfly crazy, hopeful, alive, prayerful...prayerful, and in awe of what could be. I'm desiring an opportunity that is possible...I'm desiring the fulfillment of my readiness to just go...

Flags & Letters

Over the course of two evenings, I’ve watched two films both produced by Clint Eastwood with different perspectives concerning a specific battle during WWII. The battle was for a rather small island off the coast of Japan called Iwo Jima. The first of the two films is called Flags of our Fathers…obviously taking the perspective of the American soldiers. But, more specifically…the perspective of the men that apparently raised the flag on Iwo Jima. You know…the famous picture of the six men working together to raise an American flag. It was this picture that was released in American newspapers that gave the people of the United States a feeling of victory and hope.


But to these American soldiers it was a reminder of those days in battle…a reminder of those friends lost…a reminder of the real truth behind that simple, iconic photo. Now…the following film is called Letters from Iwo Jima. This film is from the Japanese perspective of those days in battle. Following the lives of a common baker and husband turned soldier, a controversial General, and a discharged, demoted soldier, Letters from Iwo Jima provides an American, like myself, an understanding of the emotion behind going to war with such a powerhouse like the US. During a specific scene in this film, one of the senior officers of the Japanese forces exchanges words…English words…with an American prisoner of war. The relation is friendly…and establishes some common ground between the two foreigners. This POW named Sam from Oklahoma dies soon thereafter…then, the senior officer reads a note he found on Sam to the soldiers around him. It was a letter from Sam’s mother. This scene changed the whole mood of the movie. The soldiers of the imperial army realized that these American soldiers weren’t bloodthirsty cowards like they had been taught…no…these Americans were receiving letters just like their own letters from their mothers and wives.

It’s easy to imagine going to war with people you consider your enemy…people you consider to be less than yourself. But…when you realize that your “enemy” has a mom and a dad…and probably a girlfriend somewhere or even a wife who may be pregnant, it’s hard to fathom taking their life. I’ve never really been against war…or even for war. There is a time and place for everything I’m sure…so I’m not discussing “war.” I’m simply discussing the emotion of both sides…the lives of both sides.

So, needless to say…if you haven’t seen either film or just one of the two, I suggest you see both. It was a gruesome, enlightening experience to watch something that still happens today…that is happening as we speak. Sam’s mother said in her letter to her son, ”Do what is right…because it is right.” That senior officer repeated those words to his men as they went forth during their final attempt to save face.

iPhone = iSuck

Yesterday was the day to end all days for some folks...

People in Nashville and I'm sure in every other city were lined up outside of the Apple Store and Cingular stores just so they can be in debt to iPhones, and if they aren't in debt because of it I wish it upon them. I was just shocked to see people like myself and in other demographics as well waiting to blow $600 on some new technology...that trust me...won't be the last of its kind or the most expensive of its kind. I've never been one to want to protest until that day...you see, protesting in the picketting sort of way, I think, is lame...and gets absolutely nothing done. However...yesterday at Green Hills Mall in Nashville, as I was strolling pass the rather ridiculously long line of people on their cell phones that apparently still worked at the time...all I wanted to do was to hold a sign with photos of children in Africa that have been forced to live in disgusting environments and have contracted a fatal disease just because they needed to drink water to survive. Thats right...I wanted to hold a sign that yelled injustice. A sign that would make a mockery of such foolish acts like buying a $600 cell phone when you could possibly realize that it only cost $1 for 1 African to have clean water for 1 year. Do I need to the math for you?

Is it ever going to be enough to just love Jesus?

move along

In this season of my life, I'm trying to figure out or at least be attentive to what God has in store for me next...I've recently been pondering the idea of moving. Yes...moving from Murfreesboro, most definitely. But...moving away from Nashville is what I mean. "Moving away from Nashville." Not really something I had envisioned saying until I was at least...28...maybe.
As you read to the right side of this blog, under my picture...I have said that I have experienced community in this season of my life unlike any other season. I suppose its been laid on my heart that once I discover such community I should seek to instill that elsewhere. Right? Am I to just move along once I find something that embodies the character of Christ? Does that really seem fair? I suppose not...but how else will other people experience that type of community? While not fully pertaining to this subject, I can't help but to think of a sign my friend, Elizabeth snapped a picture of...


Is this a chance that I am willing to take for others? I would sure hope so. If the opportunity presents itself...the chance will be taken. I'll be moving along.

2 shots and 3 pumps

I went into Starbuck's today...as I normally do. Somewhat regretting every step I take into such a corporate, typical coffee shop...but looking at the lighter things in life...like the drink I was about to consume.
Last fall, I became hooked on this one drink. You see, its kinda hard to explain...but allow me to attempt it. Its simply 2 shots of espresso on ice w/ 3 pumps of coconut. No...not peppermint. Coconut. I can't stand the peppermint flavor b/c it makes me think I've drank something right after I have brushed my teeth. So, this drink...you then add water. No more than 3 quarters full...b/c anymore it will ruin the half/half and one equal you add in the end.
Well...tonite at the Starbuck's in lovely downtown Franklin...I ordered this drink, in addition to asking for a job...but that's for a later entry. She handed me my drink...but she had filled the cup with water to the top. Yea...no room for the last ingredients. Being the polite...somewhat push over individual as I am, I took the drink w/o hesitation. I began to walk over to the little "add-in station"...and I took a sip assuming I would toss a portion of it out. I stopped immediately in my path to the..."add-in station"...and was amazed at the fact that I was enjoying just 2 shots and 3 pumps. You need to understand...at this point (though I'm sure many people order this drink), I became an individual. I no longer needed to really base my drink decision on a previous experience or relationship...yes, relationship. 2 shots and 3 pumps...and water...is enough.