at a loss

this is strange. its been a while since i've taken this long of a "break" from this here blog. it definitely wasn't intentional. i feel like i've been at a loss for words recently...a creative lull if you will. i've been back in san diego for almost 2 months now...a lot has happened in the past 2 months that i suppose has led me to start revealing myself through words again.

i believe when i was back in tennessee, i experienced a lot of emotional distress but at the same time received some rest and relaxation after a previous busy 7 months. that combined, i had little to no motivation to sit down and spill it over my computer. i felt inadequate at times so as comical as it is resorted to a series of books called twilight (oh yea i read 'em) to take my mind off of my own issues and worries of the near future. my time back home was the last time i would be home before making the official move to san diego to pursue working still with invisible children, but this time in a staff position. the commitment of moving to san diego involved driving across the country with my car, purchasing california tags and registering my vehicle in state, as well as testing for a california license. who would have thought i would make it so official...and why did i not realize the weight of such a huge decision. bad and good weight of course.

so i sit here now...officially the HR Assistant for the HR Dept at IC, with little to no friends, and now feeling the need for people to read what has been going on in my life. let me say that i am blessed beyond belief with the friends that i do have here in san diego. i don't want it to appear that i am lacking a community. the community is there. its just...everything IC. still searching for the appropriate church community so that then i can delve into a community of believers and supporters.

clearly san diego is not the same it was 8 months ago. when i was living in a house with 50 amazing individuals...individuals that created this solid community...created what was san diego to me at that time. i feel the excitement of moving to san diego may have been mislead because of the community i had while being a roadie. roadie life is not permanent...and i knew that but i hoped for it. so my lack of energy and motivation immediately stems from not having those very important people in my life anymore. and of course stems even more deeply from my own personal struggles and lack of searching for what God wants in my own life.

so its crazy because i am happy. i am content...i've begun searching again and am surprised at what life can be or what it should be. i'm beginning to not be at a loss anymore.



its a good feeling to know and see where God had me versus where i am now. well its not so much a "versus" because if it were it would be two stark contrasts fighting for the current place and position. but the "place" i was a year ago and the "place" i am now is evolutionary. i've learned from things and grown through them. these things are people and events and seasons, all combining to guide me to the present time and place.

i'm back in the town where i went to college. the town where i met me. who i am and who i have become. the town that has so many nostalgic memories and establishments...and ideas. ideas of the conceiveable revolutionary actions. these ideas or i could even refer to it as a way of living has brought me to this position in my life. my life which is a complicated mess but where beauty and truth has been the fortune. of course with this revelation comes consequence (neither good nor bad) and sacrifice. i am a reflective individual and love where i have come from but this makes me miss those people and that past. its a hard aspect of life to chew on...growing up and growing apart. i'm not saying i've grown apart from everything but simply some things. things that were probably most cherished and had places far higher in my life than they should have. i had a conversation with a friend earlier in the week and their words enlightened me. they said in so many words that a few friendships from the immediate past have been greatly scaled down, but its not because of a lack of commitment or disinterest. its because we have grown up and we are all living lives on different pages. but our love for those relationships and people are still great because of the role they had played in a particular season of our lives. our love for them does not end but it does evolve.

this particular person seems to have been someone i placed at a higher level than most things. but current circumstances has allowed me to address that and confront the past year. the past year which has been a milestone for sure. this person is moving on and so must i. one of the reasons why this is so difficult is because i associate this person with everything that is nostalgic about this town. i had thought this individual would continually be involved in my life because my story is theirs...so much of my story revolves around her. my story would not have been what it is if it weren't for her. the role she played was beyond capacity for explaining. truth and beauty beginning in that season of my life would not have been revealed. so because she is no longer who she was in my life a year ago but was so very instrumental in the past season of my life, she remains close to me...close to my heart. being back in this town has made it evident that this chapter is done and God is writing a new one. for that i am blessed and for once i have a little bit of closure.


propelled to act

this is a blog I posted on myspace a little over a year ago:


an idea inspired by the need and want for something different, something refreshing...something radical; definately not a new concept...revolutions have been going on for years...decades...centuries. People, minds, and hearts have been changed because of other peoples' efforts...because of their love...because of their willingness to die to themselves. What does that look like to you? Do you think of a specific instance in our history, in the nation's history, in the world's history? Or do you think of an instance that involves you, an ordinary person? I'm going to assume you didn't chose the latter. Why?

I'm not a deep, inspirational person...what I'm saying may not make sense or even portray my heart clearly...but, today is the day that our generation can create a revolution...continue a revolution. Allow yourself to be inspired and look outside your little bubble, whatever that may be...Do you see that everything is not all that it should be?

What do you want to see changed? Where do you want to see love taken and shared? What is your idea of REVO?

"Do not stand in the center if you do not wish to be shaken. There is always danger when the movement comes. Its force is most powerful underneath the surface, then breaks through the hardest of ground. Epic change moves from the inside out."
-Ayden, The Perils of Ayden

this is something that i wrote on January 19th of last year. this was at the start of something good that created community and change in the lives for the people involved and change for the people it affected. if you know me, you know REVO. you know its place in my life and what it created in me. so REVO...an act of love and radical change began and continued. From REVO Hilo and REVO Nashville to...well...this:

REVO propelled me into this mindset of action. Thus, I came to work for Invisible Children. An organization committed to long-term, sustainable development as well as instilling the need to act in the hearts' of American youth. Since I've been in San Diego, REVO has always been a reference for my experiences and decisions. Its carried me to this point. To a point of still asking God, "What can I do now...now that I'm here with these amazing people with incredible hearts?" I haven't given it much inclusive thought until recently. You might be wondering, "What thought?" The thought of creating a REVO in San Diego. Instilling what I saw and felt in Nashville...what I saw in the hearts of a few young people in Las Vegas on tour...what I see as the natural progression of things.

I'm asking God for clarity on this issue because I'm enamored at what He is doing with REVO. Could praying for this conflict with my desire to still be with Invisible Children. Absolutely...but I will not limit myself to only my desires. This belongs to God. Both Invisible Children and REVO. If he has me do both or one or the other...so be it. This is a good place to be.


my day.

my day has consisted of some pretty interesting events and situations. basically, i've kicked it with two girls because their significant others have been crazy slammed with work. so...nice coffee shop time and grocery shopping (for a meal that would be fixed for her boyfriend) to riding bikes and grabbing dessert at this bangin place called extraordinary desserts. i can officially be coined as the backup. and...i'm okay with that because the conversation that was had was so legit. and let me note that there is no problems in either relationship with these girls. their guys are great folks with a lot on their plate. i feel like this post is getting really awkward as if i keep on digging a hole...dangit.

well on a more serious side, i was able to go out to lunch this afternoon with tiffany. if you've read the previous entry you would know that she is the one that would be hiring for the position that i've applied for at IC. she "owed" my lunch because i've been helping out at the office with some random work so therefore this lunch was not an intentional time to talk about the recruiter position. however...it naturally came up. we were discussing some things about HR and hiring the new roadies and because we were eating there was a natural lull in conversation. during this lull, tiffany said that she was excited about the recruiter position. now...i had told myself that i would not bring it up and freakin' tiffany did...yes! so there was the opportunity to say what i wanted to say. i needed to make clear that i still desired the position. i made my point...and i do know some useful information as well as where i might fit in all of this craziness. the position is a priority even while hiring all of the roadies...it does still depend on funding...however after a rather crazy important meeting on Friday in San Fran with IC folks and important investors, this position could become a reality as well as so many other important aspects to our programs. A lot of hope is in that meeting. anyway, tiffany made it a point to say that the things that she was concerned about with me in the position are no longer issues. i was so blessed and affirmed by this conversation. so i'm stoked to be in this place right now...it feels good as uncertain still as it is. its hard to convey to friends and especially family how i'm okay with this waiting period. with IC there is so much professionalism but at the same time we are all friends and in this case...all friends trying to help each other out but having to wait on the proper circumstances to help fully. i'm not sure if that makes sense but i don't want to get into much detail. i love where i am at...and where this is going.

on another note, its hard to hear news of something from someone who still has a big piece of your heart and to know that that person is moving on. moving on because she is happy. moving on because i just don't have a say. as much as i want to fight. i can't. its not my place. so yet another interesting situation...while my life is as well moving on, a part of me is still stopped. still waiting and lingering. is this healthy? probably not. is it natural? i'd say so (in a twisted sense). so i'm happy because she is happy. i can try to move on because she is moving on. and i can still love her because...i can.



its pretty much official.
dave and i have found an apartment.
its a bangin' 2 bedroom
for a relatively good price for SD.

i'm kinda takin' the leap
b/c i have no idea what i will be doing.
maybe a job with IC, maybe not.
so let the networking begin, i suppose.

at this point, yes...i'm waiting...
to hear from the powers that be at IC,
yet again.

i've applied to be the Recruiter/HR Coordinator.
nice title, huh?

since i've been back from Uganda, i've been in the office a few times to help out with some tasks that i'd probably be doing in the position i've applied for. right now, the priority is hiring roadies for the fall tour and i'm not exactly sure when its going to be a priority to fill the Recruiter/HR Coordinator position. but this is round two in going for an HR position with Invisible Children.

It seems that being involved with IC is probably the best thing that could happen to one person, but it can also be the death of that person. Due to the amazing environment and mission of IC, to come right out of school and begin working for such an organization is difficult. Mainly because Invisible Children is similar to an organization that you would want to work your way up to b/c of its solidarity and holistic approach to its mission, both stateside and in Uganda. But, with receiving a position without much professional experience and then after your time with IC, where do you go? Do you give in and move on to some corporate blah blah blah or do you create something all your own that has the favored characteristics? hm. this is something to ponder on. this is what you would call, "IC Withdrawl"...

So...do I want a job with IC so that I can continue to be involved in this subculture and ground-breaking humanitarian work? duh. But...if I don't get the job, where does that leave me?

Searching. Not settling.


back in sd

i'm back.

today for some reason has been the toughest day.
not because of jet lag and not because of culture shock.
simply because i'm alone.

this is a good thing,
but still a tough issue to chew on.
i'm alone in the roadie house.

a house that involved so many conversations,
so many laughs, prayers, and tears.
so many life-altering relationships.
and now it is empty.
ready and willing for the next community of people,
but never will it inhabit the same.

i don't know why this has hit me all of a sudden...
maybe this is my culture shock.
to go from all of us being together to a few of us in Uganda...
to me.

its good to be back. to continue to be at the mercy of God.
to be blessed.
to be loved.
to be challenged. financially. spiritually. physically.

i'm crying to God today for contentment and joy.
for a void to be filled that still has yet to be filled.
for direction and certainty (but i know certainty in my life is rare).
for obedience.
to feel unconditional love.


day 5

internet is a sparse thing here in Gulu. well...power is rare period so the opportunity to sit down and update you all has not come to me until now. trust me, once i get back to the states i will post my written journal entries for each day before this.

so much has happened within these 5 days that it seems so much longer. where to start? i'm not sure...so i'm just gonna type:

we stayed in an IDP Camp last night (Koro Camp). we were privelidged to be hosted by the bracelet makers of Koro. Sean and I stayed with Martin and his family. This evening very well was the most awkward but beautiful experience. The most surreal aspect of the night was when Martin and ourselves were sitting around chewing on some sugar cane listening to the radio in the moonlight. I was startled when I heard the words LRA and Joseph Kony on the announcement. It was basically an announcement about the state of the peace process and the fact that Kony again refused to show and sign the final peace agreement. Martin's face was just perplexed but definitely not stunned. If you can imagine the picture of kids screaming and crying, smoke billowing in the air, the moonlight and lightning in the distance, and us...sitting around each other in silence listening to the news. Erie.

but, needless to say...we were taken care of...so much Acholi food and so much attention to just us, the kids who travel around America telling the stories of the Acholi tribe. kids doing what we are supposed to in life. know. live. tell.

more updates will follow but for now this is enough.