another word for desperate

2007 has been a whirlwind of events and emotions leading to new beginnings and sometimes the end to what was so dear. sometimes? ok...maybe not sometimes because beginnings always brings most things to a definite end. right? ok well...needless to say, this year brought the unexpected. For instance:
-truth
-heartache (a lot)
-the lack of a "home"
-the loss of a best friend (both man's best friend and a real friend)
-a community of vulnerability crumbling with no effort to mend it
-a new "job"
-a bold move to San Diego
-40 if not more beautiful people brought into my life

so a lot has happened. many things that I had dreamed of happened...and of course at the same time things I had never imagined losing...I lost. Is it bad that I am so idealistic? I suppose. I haven't allowed much of these things that have happened this year to really affect me. Sure...I take the time to appreciate these events/things and I also take the time to struggle with these events/things. But...my heart hasn't totally expressed itself yet. I'm not sure when it will. When will I realize that the relationship I held most dear to my heart was devastated? A relationship that provided inspiration, motivation, and most of all love. I still don't understand most of the happenings and emotions that have gone on in the grand year of 2007. I don't understand where the hope is in the loss of a friend. I think it sucks...I think its rather shitty. I suppose I have preoccupied myself enough to not worry or reflect on certain situations...and I'll be the first to admit that my actions were not the healthiest for either party. I'm not sure where things ended and I'm not sure of the future. And that must be my hope...the future and knowing that love exists now and in the months and years to come. I'm sure it sounds lame to anybody reading...but there is no denial in love providing hope. And...let me explain the title of this blog. I'm not desperate. And...I'm not looking for a word synonmous with desperate. But...I'm...some word that can explain being completely content with life and its struggles but at the same time reflective and pissed off at how some things have turned out. I'm completely unaware what provoked this sudden explosion of words...I guess just a refreshing eventful night with new friends has led me to really dwell on what was back in Tennessee. I do appreciate the way God has allowed me to struggle and grow in the transition between seasons but I tell you what...life ain't easy.